Early Mid-Service Freak Out

I think I had my mid-service freak out early. Times get hard and you don't know what to do. There were a couple of times which I was trying to blog about it on here but I am sure my Peace Corps supervisors would have probably called me. Actually I still have them saved as drafts. I figured that if I woke up the next day then I could post it but my feelings were the same but the next day I felt quite the opposite of what I was feeling the day before. So I didn't post them but I think I figured out mostly what it is.

The roller coaster of emotions is the think that I believe I have the hardest time with. In one day's time I feel like I am so excited to be here and do what I doing and in the next hour I feel like trash and wonder what I am doing here. It's funny it seems that there are no in between emotions like a calm happiness or a little anger or a slight misunderstanding. In my opinion, when you are in a tense situation like this every emotion you feel are magnified times three. To be honest I don't think I have a very difficult job its just everything else. Teaching is the easiest part about Morocco. Trying to communicate with people is most difficult. The middle stuff is like trying to constantly figure out what in the world people are doing here or acting a certain way etc.

I would say the second hardest thing is the difference between boredom and extreme activity. Sometimes I have nothing to do at all. So I try to fill the time with doing random things. Other times I will have so much to do it is extremely overwhelming and I feel like I am going to implode.

Some things that have helped be with my early mid service freak out:
packages
Seinfeld, The Office, Parks and Recreation
Dr. Who, Star Trek, Curb Your Enthusiasm  
skype conversations
other PCV's
Tanie
trip to Agadir for my birthday 
my upcoming trip to London
my sister coming to see us
upcoming In-Service-Training
summer time
Tiberius

All this to say is that it feels great not to quit and make it on the other side of frustration and all those other extreme emotions. I feel more confident because of all of it. I feel like for me that is the best thing I could gain.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Matt

Frustrations and The Baby Behind Bars

This past week has been a freak out week. It seemed like everyday I had a little bit of a breakdown. Questions like, "What in the world am I doing here?" or "What do these people expect of me?" or "What exactly is my job here again?" My language has seemed to have plateaued. Which if you heard me speak Arabic you know that is not good. My Arabic is poor or at least it seems that way. I speak about main events and I can tell people what I want and need but the details are nonexistent in the conversation. With all of these thoughts and frustrations it helps me to think about why I came in to Morocco in the first place.

To promote peace.
To get outside of my American bubble.
To learn another language.
To develop my skills with a degree that was basically worthless.
To travel to other countries.
Countless more.

All this to say that sometimes it is okay to be frustrated. Experiences like this make people stretch and grow. Frustration is life. Things like walking into your place where you work and thinking these people don't need me to be here. To travel down the street and get spoken to in four different languages and to not know any of them so I don't speak at all. To feel lost in your own hometown not recognizing any faces. To be the only white person in several kilometers feeling abnormal every time people look at me. Sometimes I think that you need to feel like a baby in the window looking out into the world wondering what world am I doing here.